Soft hearts. Hard choices.

 

Soft hearts. Hard choices.

I feel strange when I look directly into those almond eyes. It feels as if a new heart has started beating inside mine, creating a connection. I want to go to him and tell him how I feel—tell him that yes, I feel the same way—but I know that if I do, everything will end tragically. No friendship. No relationship. In the end, I would have already wounded his heart beyond repair.

I am not good at these kinds of things. Love is an unwanted emotion in my life. It gives pain and nothing else. It feels jubilant when you are in love with someone, but at some point it all crashes and leaves behind only broken pieces of the extraordinary moments of your life. I had it once, and it ached because I broke something precious to me. I swore to myself that I would never make that mistake again—falling in love. But I think I am making this mistake again, and it pains me most because I don’t want to break his heart. It is important, because he is important to me.

Our eyes meet again, and he smiles, making his way towards me.

“Hi, Luka. How are you doing?” I say, plastering a smile on my face. I don’t want him to know how giddy I feel when he is around. It is as if he is the metal to my compass, making me go crazy whenever he is near.

“Nothing. I just wanted to know your answer to the question I asked yesterday. It’s actually fine if you want more time to think,” he says. He always seems calm, as if there is no tornado swirling inside him.

“I just want to say that even if I like you… there is no point in us dating because, in the end… maybe I will ruin everything between us.” I don’t want to meet his eyes, so I look down. I feel bad rejecting him. He has all the qualities that I love, but I have to do this—for him.

“No, you’re just overthinking it. Nothing will be ruined between us, even if we dated,” he says, trying his best to persuade me. But I have made up my mind—I am not going to say yes. A tiny hint of anger starts fuming inside me.

“Can’t you just leave this matter alone? I am trying to protect you, and you are trying to destroy yourself. Don’t you understand?” I speak those words as hard as a rock. I don’t want him to know how scared I am.

“Then make me understand,” he says in his calm, ocean-like tone.

I freeze at his comment. Is this a new way of proposing? I feel agitated and want to leave immediately. So I start escaping from our conversation. He grabs my wrist and brings me close to him. My face turns pale with shock when his face is mere inches from mine. I step back; he doesn’t pull me close again, respecting my space. I lower my eyes, and they start darting in a frantic motion. I can’t think of anything. It feels as if all the air has been sucked out of me by the nearby plant.

I slowly lift my eyes to meet his. His almond eyes are fixated on mine, and that makes everything stop. It feels like I am entering a new world—his world.

“You are forcing me to say yes. That is not a gentleman’s behaviour,” I say with all the confidence I have left, though my voice quavers at the end.

“I don’t want to be a gentleman. I just want to be your man,” he says, as if those words are poetry.

My heart is thrumming really fast, beating like a woodpecker digging into a tree trunk.

“I like you,” I confess.

“That is the reason why I am saying no to you. Can we just be friends for now and figure this out later?” I ask.

“Yes. We can be friends. I really like you too.” He smiles. It makes his eyes shine.

I smile too.

 - LANKA TEJASRI SAGAR